Finding Truth in the Lies
by dudeitzemm
Summary: Lexie's sent to Horizon for cutting. she won't talk but has colorful past. Can Peter find the Alexandria Faith she used to be, hidden beneath the perfect mask of lies?
1. Chapter 1

a/n- So basically this is my first real attempt at a fic. Pretty much about a girl, Lexie, at Horizon High for cutting with a complicated story. The twist is… this is also my story and most of what u read is me. Should be interesting. R&R. Italics indicate song lyrics. (iris- googoo dolls)

**Finding Truth in the Lies**

Chapter one:

"_And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin', or the moment of truth in your lies._

_When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."_

Every lie begins as truth, I concluded. He said he loved me, and maybe he did. But the things he'd done, the thing all her "boyfriends" had done, said otherwise. My parents say there's no real problem with me. They go on and on about my greedy need for attention. Yeah, that could be true. Except for the small details of how I'd disturb their Stepford lives if I asked for attention. It's not about attention! They also said being sent off to Horizon High was going to be good for me, that maybe now I couldn't mess things up… wait, that one might actually be the truth.

Pacing, I always catch myself pacing when I think about these things. And I always stop in front of the mirror like this. I don't even know why I have one in my room, I can't stand to look into mirrors., see the horrible creature becoming of me. And still, I looked and I thought: this is me, wishing to bring back the "Alexandria Faith" of yesteryear to replace the hollow "Lexie" of today.

Suddenly a fit of rage swept over me and the lamp on my nightstand crashed to the floor with a muffled bang. If my room wasn't so cluttered, it would have smashed into a million pieces, just like the remnants of my heart. And I whispered, were hearts made whole just to break?". Running to my bed, I reached under my mattress in search of the razorblade I knew was hidden there. It was the only thing I had at that point to take the pain away, my solace. With every cut I made to my forearms and the more they bled, the more the pain washed itself away. I knew it was wrong, but it was the only thing I knew how to do- along with screwing things up.

My bedroom door flew open and my parents emerged with a tall man to take me to Horizon. The looks on their faces told so many stories and I had to wonder how many of those stories were true.

The drive up to Horizon was long, but boy was it beautiful. The dark, mysterious mountains made a perfect contrast to the softness of the blue sky and I tried to imagine how thing might look captured through the eyes of a painter. The high school looked like a regular summer camp, and in a way, it could have been. I stepped out of the car and immediately retreated to the confines of my own shell, it always seemed to be a safer bet, as a tall, brown-haired man approached us.

"Hello, you must be Mr. and Mrs. Hill. And you are Alexandria, right?" I backed away from his hand on my shoulder. I don't like people touching me. It never brought up good memories.

"Lexie." I stared at him with piercing blue eyes. I could usually hold a stare longer than anyone, but this guy was good. I lost.

"I'm Peter Scarbrow. We're all really glad you could be here." This all sounded so rehearsed, like there was a therapy 101 course required to work here. "We'ee get Lexie registered, checked out, and acquainted with everything. Any questions?" I'd tuned the formalities out a long time ago, surveying the surroundings, the people didn't look as angry here, until my mother spoke up stubbornly.

"Just fix her!" With that they left, leaving apparently both me and Peter stunned. He actually kind of looked hurt.

We walked to the infirmary in silence. I was afraid to look up at him, so I kept my head to the ground, my normal stance. I sat in a chair opposite from him and looked at my prized shoes, graffiti-covered with my friends' names and other random things, that my parents hated as he searched through my things. Peter sighed when he found a few razorblades. I looked up sheepishly and he shook his head. He mentioned I would be a difficult case. If only he knew…

Peter sat down across from me but refused to speak until I looked at him.

"Alright the rules here are simple, Lexie. No drugs, alcohol, or sex. Anything you tell me or one of the other counselors stays between us unless you give me permission to share it or I suspect harm to someone else or to yourself. Everything we do here has a lesson involved and everything you do has consequences attached. Any questions?" He looked serious, but at the same time sincere, almost as if he really did want to help. But how could that be? He didn't know me, he didn't want to.

I shook my head no, so he said I can; translation- have to, go down to the nurse to get a physical. This is the part I dreaded. Though I didn't look up, I could tell what they were all thinking, almost see their reactions, hear their gasps. Looking up barely, I could see one of the counselors staring at me in shock and I wondered what was going through her head, if she was trying to understand my life story. She couldn't. The nurse held my arms in a vice grip, examining them closely. There were so many cuts there. Some old and new, crowded by so many older scar you couldn't count them all. But the real wounds, the ones inside my own head, run much deeper. And I think about how ironic it is that I try to heal those wounds by causing more. It's even more ironic how much it seems to work. Aside from the cuts, I got a clean bill of health.

It made me feel like such a freak being escorted to the dorms. Even though I didn't look up, I felt uneasy and I just knew I was being spotlight, they were all watching me, and I hated it. I subconsciously tugged at my sleeves, afraid the cuts would show. I barely had enough time to put anything down before my counselor, Sophie Baker, told me that Peter wanted to see me in his office. I got scared. God only knew what he wanted me for. I hadn't been at Horizon long, how could I have messed up already? This was going to be a long walk to the principle's office.

"_And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."_

a/n- So what do you think? Good, bad, ugly? And be nice J Oh, look a review button. Don't you just want to click it?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Yeah, I forgot to do this in the first chapter. Sadly I don't own the show or the lyrics to various song I shall use. The only character I own is Lexie, mine. JThe lyrics are in italics- Enter Sandman by Metallica.

Chapter 2

" _Something's wrong, shut the light. Heavy thoughts tonight and they aren't of Snow White._

_Dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of dragon's fire, and of things that will bite."_

I stood outside Peter's door for what seemed like an eternity refusing to walk in because of the ever hovering fear of finding a truth I didn't want to see. What did Peter want? Did I do something? What is he going to do to me? That last question kept repeating in my head. He knew I'd been standing out there, he'd been watching me, trying to see what was going through my head, and what if he found it? I was terrified that he might know why I couldn't will myself to go in. He did.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Lexie. You can trust me, you're safe with me. I just wanted to explain a few more things." I stared back blankly, avoiding the idea of getting any closer to him, preferring a corner spot out of the way. I shook my head okay and followed him when he suggested we take a walk, against the screaming in my head that told me not to. I was led back to the dorm. 'if I'd known I'd be coming back here, I wouldn't have walked all the way to his office just to come back.' I thought.

You're part of the Cliffhangers group." he paused. I didn't know if that was for dramatic effect or a psych evaluation. I opted for the former. "People can be your friends if you let them. Communication is a key role of getting better. And, you know, trust is too, but you have to let us in. Like I tell everyone here, there are no fences, but nowhere to run to. Don't bother running, just call me and I'll call you a cab."

He was looking at me and smiling, but I still felt scared. I didn't have friends. I was an outcast, only one best friend that I could trust and one a long time ago, until I moved away. Silence: You can't lie if you don't say anything. You also couldn't tell the truth. At that point, I didn't know which was worse. When I didn't respond he sort of seemed disappointed, but still trying; which was something I really didn't have until that point. That thought alone made me smile. I'll never forget what he said as he left the dorm that day, "I'm here."

I took a look at the journal Peter had given me to write in, orange, my favorite color. I thought about all the things I could write in that journal, and all the things I couldn't write. I was supposed to write things that couldn't be spoken everyday, yeah right. I write enough of those on my arms in somewhat bloodier ink, though I supposed I couldn't do that anymore. So I'd settle for a journal.

Newbies are supposed to go to group therapy on their first day here, but I was in no mood. Besides, I would learn enough about everyone soon enough through simple observation and no communication, even if it was "key". I was exhausted anyway and eventually fell asleep on an unfamiliar mattress with no solace hidden underneath it. It terrified me.

I was in a fitful sleep, if you could call it sleep at all, that night. The rest of the Cliffhanger were probably watching or running to tell Peter and Sophie. I didn't know because, again, I was in a fitful sleep; which went kind of like this:

It's all a replay, everything! Every boy I'd ever "gone out" with were always touching me, trying to do things with me, and I hated it. Yet somehow it always seemed to be my fault one way or another. I was always to weak to stop them. I was so scared, so dirty and broken. So I ran away from them.

I came to a tennis court. It was yet another flashback, this time my school's tennis match. It was one of the only times my dad came to watch, until I started losing badly. Dad walked away. He said it wasn't worth caoming only to see me lose. He went to watch winners. Anyway, unless I played softball, he couldn't see me at all. I cried, and didn't know if I was forgotten or avoided.

My last flashback dream warped into a school bus. Buses are transportation systems always to be avoided because of the people on them. They were all horrible. I can't sit anywhere because people seem to think I'm untouchable. When I do sit down, the bullying continues with taunts and questions that I can't answer, that I have no comebacks to. It always escalates; slapping and kicking and the one memory that I can't get out of my head: the girl who pulls out the lighter and laughs when she uses it to burn my hair with it. Everyone laughs at my expense, I only cry where nobody can see. That's just me. My nightmare is like a seizure test with the flashing lights and spinning world., like the movie, "The Ring". I'm tossed around in snapshots of my life like a broken rag doll, which is what I am now, until I'm shaken awake by arms with scars like mine.

After some amount of time that I didn't really remember, I was sitting in front of Peter again and beside a girl I didn't know, a suspected Cliffhanger. She was thin and seemed entirely too preppy to be a drug addict. She called herself Juliette, I believe. She was the one with the scars, only a few, but still there. They both looked so worried, but it was only a nightmare… right? At least I thought it was merely a nightmare, I have them all the time. Had I screamed something? Was it the truth or the lie? I didn't know the difference anymore.

"_Hush little baby, don't say a word, and never mind that noise you heard._

_It's just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, in your head."_

a/n: Well, there's chapter 2. It was kind of hard to write, but yeah. Hey Nikki, I'm actually writing. Lol. Look, doesn't the review button look awesome?!


	3. Chapter 3

a/n- ok this chapter has a lot of song lyrics in it, but they are all credited, so yeah. The italicized song at the beginning is "My Skin" by Natalie Merchant. R&R

Chapter 3

"_Contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart."_

I'd been at Mt. Horizon for a little over a month now, wandering in utter silence. Sophie and Peter had been prodding me to let them in, but how could I, I didn't know how. My parents had stopped trying to write me letters, they'd finally figured out I wasn't writing back. How could they not see that they were part of the problem?! They'd ignored everything that wasn't kosher to their step ford existence.

The only thing that I would tell Peter was to look at my journal, I'd actually written in the stupid thing. One morning he actually did look at it, accepting the fact that I wasn't going to be the one to actually say anything, not until he could understand a little. He seemed amazed at how I chose to express myself. He'd said that he never had a kid that had done it my way before. I explained everything he wanted to know just to the point of bringing it to the surface. Both Peter and Sophie were stunned, I was amused.

My journal entries were completely written in song lyrics from every band I listened to, well most of the bands. I got the idea from my best friend, who had a song reference for everything. Peter seemed impressed by how insightful some of them were.

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Lexie's Journal- Peter's POV:

"_They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason. She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves."- Lisa Loeb, Falling Apart_

"_She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant, afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction. She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong, perfect only in her imperfections."- Jon McLaughlin, Beautiful Disaster_

"_Were hearts made whole just to break?"- Barlowgirl, Porcelain Heart_

"_But I alone am the one you don't know, you need to keep for you're ego. I find nothing' but faith in nothing'."- Eve 6, Beautiful Oblivion_

"_Can we work it out, can we be a family? I promise I'll be better. Daddy please don't leave."-Pink, Family Portrait_

"_Stranger than you dreamt it, can you even bare to look, or even think of me: this loathsome gargoyle who burns in Hell, but secretly… yearns for Heaven.. Secretly, secretly. Fear can turn to love; you learn to see, to find the man behind the monster, this… repulsive carcass who seems a beast, but secretly dreams of beauty… secretly, secretly.:- Phantom of the Opera, Secretly_

"_Cannot be used to help others find truth when I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie. Cannot be led down a trail dropping breadcrumbs to prove I'm not ready to die."- Nickel Creek, Doubting Thomas_

"_You thought you knew me, but you don't, you say you love me, but you won't… when you find out who I am."- The Veronicas, Mouth Shut._

Reading Lexie's journal and discovering it was her life's story written as a combination of song lyrics was completely overwhelming. Though I could see her creative spirit, I could also see some very deep-rooted problems, too many for a fifteen year old girl to face alone. I was going to make it a point not to let her try to do deal with these things alone.

In hindsight, I now know why she was so quiet and seemed afraid of everyone, even me. The problem was that I still didn't have the whole story, I only had vague lyrics of what I suspected to be a girl's life that was slowly fading away unless the right precautions were taken., and it wasn't too late. I called her into my office later that day, after I led the Cliffhangers on an impromptu group trust activity of climbing the infamous rock wall.

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	4. Chapter 4

a/n- This was an interesting chapter to write. It's a good one though, I think, I hope. Anyway, the italicized lyrics are Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin. R&R

Chapter 4

"_She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong; perfect only in her imperfections."_

Horizon's rock wall was intimidating. I wasn't sure that it was a "rock" wall at all because from the point I was looking at it, it seemed to be more of a "life's demons" wall. It seemed to symbolize everything that had been my life up until that point, all the demons I still had yet to encounter, and there was no way of climbing that wall if I couldn't even look at it. I couldn't accept that it was right there in front of me; the demon wall that I had to climb on my own, where everyone else could see it. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, I'd sooner break down. I just wasn't ready.

'Maybe if I could talk to Peter first, I could find the strength I needed to climb the wall of demons.' Sure, the thought was there, I just hadn't humored it. What if everyone thought I was weak? I thought I was weak.

That's why I waited for the perfect opportunity to talk with Peter before it was time for me to actually approach the wall. He had his first moment away from the group while we took a break, so I made my move. I couldn't let this slip.

"So what if I said that I didn't think the rock wall was really a "rock" wall at all?" I asked Peter. He looked confused for a while as he tried to figure out what I meant, eventually asking what I thought it was. "A "demon" wall," I answered. "It's a life-stopping barrier of my own demons that I can't even think about climbing."

What sort of demons are they, Lexie?"

At first I didn't want to answer him, but then I thought that, just maybe, he might be able to understand and help me. "Every hand and foot grip is a different problem in my life and some of them have words written on them; like "freak", "unwanted", and "wrong". The more I see those words, the more I believe their truths!" I exclaimed, but by that point, I didn't care who was watching me.

"You know, you're right, Lex. This is what this whole exercise is about, just most people don't know it yet. You are wise beyond your years, kid, so you'll understand me when I say this." I shook my head okay, anxious as to what he might be telling me. "The rocks and grips that make up this demon wall do start out saying things like "loser and "freak", but as you really get climbing, They start to say things like "strong", "beautiful", and "amazing". Do you know why they do that Lexie?"

I thought for a moment, then stared back at him with a genuine, knowing look. "Because that's when you start conquering the wall and your demons that go along with it." I said.

He smiled and told me that I was exactly right. I hadn't heard those words for such a long time that I almost started to cry. He actually looked proud of me. I was ready to conquer my demon wall.

Looking to the top of my life wall, I wasn't scared of anymore at all and this time it was the demons' turn to be intimidated. I started climbing higher and higher, amazed to see that Peter had been right about the wall changing it's tune. When I finally made it to the top, I realized that I was stronger than I thought possible and that I could overcome my addiction to cutting. Although that would take longer than just simply climbing to the top of a rock wall, but, for the moment, I was on top of the world.

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(Peter's POV)

I was filing some paperwork when Sophie walked into my office. I wanted to tell her about Lexie's progress today, I was so proud of her. "Sophie, you should have seen Lexie today! She finally opened up to me a little and she completely grasped the concept of the rock wall. It didn't scare her anymore, soo she made it to the top. That kid's on top of the world!"

The only problem was Sophie's serious, sad-looking expression that seemed to undercut the news of Lexie's epiphany. "Peter, that's great news, but Lexie is who I wanted to talk to you about." I immediately got worried. Why did something have to go wrong now, after all the progress we were making with her? "Oh my God… Peter, one of Lexie's old friends… she committed suicide."

I stared back, crushed. How was I going to tell Lexie?

a/n- okay this chapter was surprisingly easy for me to write, but the next one will probably damn near kill me. Well Nikki, I'm gonna try to talk about it. Though I make no guarantees.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N- All disclaimers still apply… the italicized lyrics are "How To Save a Life by The Fray. This chapter was surprisingly hard and easy to write. It's all too real, too true. R&R. I need help from review fairies.

Chapter 5

"_Lay down a list of what is wrong, things you told him all along. And pray to God he hears you, and pray to God he hears you."_

My English teacher, Jeff, had a small problem with what I handed in for my first paper; alright it was a big problem: he couldn't read it. I found that completely amusing, until he took me down to Peter's office to complain.

"The assignment was to write a simple paper on their problems or what got them sent here… she wrote it in Greek!" he shouted, throwing my paper on Peter's desk. All I could do was smirk and it was all Peter could do to refrain from laughter.

"Alright, I'll talk to her about it, explain the evil's of confusing people with foreign languages." Peter laughed. Jeff stormed out of the room. "You're definitely an interesting one, Lexie. Why did you write this in Greek?"

"So I could turn in the assignment without him knowing my pathetic problems."

"Well, you don't speak Greek, do you?" I shook my head no. "Good, then you can tell me what your problems are and why you came here." Yahtzee, I knew this would happen. Though, strangely enough, I wanted to tell him. I was tired of holding everything in.

"Everybody is right about me! Everyone at school and at home, the stupid guys I've hooked up with… they always see the same things. So they have to be right!"

Peter shook his head. "No Lexie, a general consensus isn't what makes things right, especially when what they're saying are lies. What do they say that seems so true to you?". He looked at me as if he was trying to read my soul, and I wished he could. Then I wouldn't have to say a word, wouldn't have to relive it in my head again. "Talk to me, Lexie".

I must have had the saddest look on my face as I spoke bits and pieces of my story.

"I'm nothing okay?! I'm worthless, only good for bullying, taunting, and being an almost- human punching bag at school. I'm sure not good enough at home, never good enough, I don't win enough! Dad doesn't even acknowledge me much anymore now that I don't play softball, now that I'm not his little athlete. Any "boyfriend" that I've had was only interested in one thing and I'm sure you know what that is. Their words… everybody's words- I've just heard them so much that they've become truth and I can't handle it. I don't want to be this horrible person that I see in the mirror every time I have to walk past it, I don't want to be me. So I cut. I let all the bad drain out and let it calm me down because it's the only way; but I don't want to have to cut anymore. I don't want to either be hated or invisible." I had let it out, all of it and I was sobbing at this point, sobbing and screaming. Everything bad in my life was spoken, laid out in front of him in hopes that he knew how to get rid of them.

He did. He reached out and hugged me and, for the first time, I didn't try to move away. You're not a horrible, invisible, or hated person, Lexie. You can't keep holding these things in because eventually it's going to break you. I'm right here, you can talk to me. I hate that you were either feeling avoided or hated, but you're not; not anymore, not here.

I don't know how he did it, but Peter seemed to be putting the little pieces of me back together. Though I didn't know they were just about to fall apart again.

"Lexie, I have to tell you something and I want you to promise me you won't break down and go back to you bad habits, okay?" I froze, scared of what he was going to going to tell me. That's me, always scared. I nodded and tried to mean it. "Lexie, it's one of your friends, Kristina…

She's committed suicide."

'No.' I thought. 'She wouldn't do that.' I stared right back at him, willing myself not to break. Thoughts ran through my head at warp speed and I couldn't hold on to any of them. I ran out of the room before Peter could grab me by the arm to try to get me to stop, but he ran after me.

"Let's me go!!" I screamed, sobbing. "I just need to do this. I need something sharp, need to cut."

"No! No, that's not happening! I'm not letting you go, I won't let you fall, and you can't cut anymore. You don't need it. It'll be okay, Lexie. You're safe with me."

I wasn't crying so hard now, but I was repeating the words "it's not okay, I'm not okay.". Peter lifted me up off of the ground and made me look at him when he said

"It will be okay.".

"_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere alone in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."_

A/N- Alright, there you go. A difficult chapter to write because it made me talk a little about my now guardian angel, Kristina Arielle Calco. I miss you so much! Hey Nik, you were always the one to make me talk about her… here you go. Reviews are much appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N- Ok it took insanely long to update, sorry. I used two songs, the first is "Falling Apart" by Lisa Loeb, the second is "Tied Together with a Smile" by Taylor Swift.

Chapter 6

"_And they rise in the morning and they sleep in the dark. And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart."_

Two months had gone by since my friend's death that I finally started to talk about things again; and that was because Peter made me after he saw the many new cuts on my arm. He'd looked so hurt that I started cutting again instead of coming to him. I didn't know how to go to him, it wasn't exactly as easy as he had made it out to be.

It was in Group that my story finally came out. I was the last one to speak, as always, and I marveled at the fact that I could relate to some of the stories that people were telling. I could relate to Scott's story about how close he and his dad were when he played football, but his dad disowned him when Scott told him the truth, something his dad didn't want to hear. That reminded me of how close I was to my dad, but only when I played softball, and how we don't even really talk now that I quit. I t made me think of how much I sort of regretted quitting altogether.

Shelby's tales about being on the streets all the time and only being able to get money through prostitution struck a chord. It reminded me of every "boyfriend" that only wanted that one thing, it made me think about how I was so desperate for someone to really love and not just have to be forced into things. Though I couldn't ever seem to be able to fight them off. They were twice my size and as much as I hated to admit it, I guess I really was a victim of sexual abuse.

Daisy seemed more right about the world and the way it worked than most know, she just has an unconventional way of expressing herself. It reminded me of me being so different. Of course, as much as I probably could say these things out loud, opening up just isn't my forte. Lies that cleverly mask truths are my specialty and sarcasm that passes as my truth is the only way I knew how to get past Peter, who seems to be the human polygraph. So, as my turn to open up came, I started playing the sarcasm card.

Clearing my throat, I began my ranting. "yeah, I'm just your typical, under-achieving, inadequate mess. I can relate, somehow, to everyone here, especially you, Juliet, but it doesn't matter. I'm just busy being a walking stereotype; the need to be perfect outranks the fear of eating disorders. The sight of blood, my impurities, leaking out of me is no contest to the pain of the emotion trapped inside of me if it doesn't leak out. Is that enough coverage for you there, Peter?" I smirked.

"Not hardly, Lexie." Peter glared at me, obviously annoyed by me being sarcastic instead of truthful. "Lex, you need to talk about this with us so we can know how to help you, you know that." The rest of the Cliffhangers were still getting over the shock of what I just said, but they could see where I was coming from and tried to help, despite my hostility. Later in Group, I started to actually tell the truth without the sarcastic side-effects.

"It was true… what I said earlier, I mean. I'm terrified of being inadequate and I hate how everyone can se that I am inadequate no matter how much I try to be perfect. I hate how much I know the strive for perfection can escalate, what it can do to some people." I looked at Peter, who nodded reassuringly, prompting me to go further. I wasn't sure how. "Umm… this is the first time I've talked about this, but…" the words were caught in my throat.

"One of my best friends from my old hometown committed suicide a few months ago. I don't know how, nor do I want to deal with it, so I did a really stupid thing; the same thing that got me sent here in the first place. I relapsed back into cutting, but you know what? It didn't work. Drugs don't work. The only thing that will help any of us is dealing with our problems ourselves. Sometimes though, I don't even know why I should get to feel bad about her death when I didn't even know any of this was happening and I didn't save her." I took a deep, shaky breath and caught everyone's eyes. We were all so broken. "I hate thinking everyday that I could lose someone else like this, like everyone has time limits above their heads. I hate having to wonder who's next." A tear rolled down my cheek, but I wiped it away, refusing to cry. It was pointless and yet another thing that I hated.

Everyone offered their condolences, but I couldn't hear them. I had zoned out, fallen from grace. My only hope at that point was that Peter could catch me again before I hit the ground.

"_Hold on, baby you're losing it. The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go and no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. And you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone."_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"_All alone in the mirror, all alone on the shelf, I'm trying to hold on to a little piece of myself. Doesn't anybody realize even I don't buy my own disguise."-Alexz Johnson._

After another month had gone by, Peter had thought it was a wise option to send me on my first solo. It was going to be a camping trip by myself where I had to find a way to survive on my own and any interaction with other people wasn't allowed. I had to do more than make it alone, I had to survive my demons. Peter said that if I spend enough time with myself I'd be able to discover who that person really is. I hoped he was right, but in the back of my mind, I worried just what I might discover and if a solo was such a great idea after all. I mean, who was I really: Lexie or Alexandria Faith? Can anyone say Schizophrenia?

I assumed Peter knew what he was talking about, so I didn't argue as I settled into my little acre of woods where I would spend the next few days. Peter pulled out the duffle bad he'd brought with him. 'This is what I always do with the kids on their solos." he said. "I got your parents to send a few things that they think are important to you, that would trigger memories. Sometimes it helps kids rediscover themselves."

"Right, or we rediscover who our parents want us to be." I rolled my eyes as I took the bag. Peter left and I started my "journey for my missing youth". That was a scary thought and one I really wasn't sure I was ready to do.

I sat in silence for at least an hour taking in the serenity of the mountains, the beauty of the landscape, the peaceful songs and interactions of life around me and wonder to myself "this is the way the world is supposed to work, so why has my existence been in such disarray the past few years?". It was the million dollar question that either I couldn't answer or I didn't want to answer. I wasn't sure which. Truth is more frightening than fairytales and I was afraid to admit that the bedtime stories hadn't lasted. Princesses in towers and enchanted lands were slowly slipping away from me and in order to accept that, I needed to find the truth to be it's replacement.

The things I pulled out of the duffle bag from my parents probably didn't have all that much meaning, unless you analyzed them as much as I did. There was my softball glove and my incredibly old leotard back from the days I did gymnastics. An interesting contrast that I assumed dad put in for dramatic effect. It was like he was saying "choose one, and it better be the right one. Go for softball."

I used to think gymnastics was the coolest thing back when I was seven and eight years old, I loved it. Of course, when the family moved away, my parents never signed me up for it again. That really made me sad, but eventually I grew into a softball player and had to forget all about gymnastics and high-flying dreams. Which that was probably my parents' goal anyway. I still watched gymnastics occasionally though and wonder if I could have been that spectacular if only I had been better.

The next thing I pulled out was an old birthday picture from my old hometown when I turned six probably. I used to have so many friends: Chelsea, Tenee, Chrissy, Kristina. I used to be happy. That all changed when I moved away and was considered the weird girl that nobody wanted to be around. I almost cried when I thought, "great, now I'm untouchable.". The last thing I picked up was a small, shiny mirror. It took all my willpower not to throw it to the ground and watch it shatter.

"_There's a part of me that's fighting mad, there's a part of me that knows_

_When I'm holding out my heart, I'm still putting on a show."_

A/N- Sorry, I know, short chapter. I'll try to make up for it next time, but I'm still trying to sort out a few things I guess and you'll see what I mean in the next chapter. It'll be something I'm still dealing with. Katelyn. Nik, u know what I mean. Damn her. Lol.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N- okay, so this chapter isn't much longer, it's actually quite short. But it just works, maybe, I guess. The lyrics are old, Christina Aguilera actually, ha-ha, reflections.

Chapter 8

"_Everyday it's as if I play a part. Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart."_

From the minute a person is born, they start dying. I had either been fading away, or someone else was taking over and who I used to be was left to rot. I think the problem was that Katelyn took over.

I think everyone has a Katelyn in one form or another, you know, that little voice in your head that makes you second guess yourself, question if you should be allowed to continue breathing? Yeah, that's who I and a few other friends call Katelyn. I'm not really sure how to describe her, but my friend, Katt, does. She explained her like this:

Katelyn is so much more than a voice. She's me, only pretty and skinny and smart and perfect. She's as gorgeous as she is smart and perfect as perfect can get. She's what I wish I was.

I couldn't get rid of that part of me either. Sometimes I wasn't sure that I wanted her gone because she was my one way road to perfection, to acceptance. Like Katt said, I wanted to be more than just a nice personality and high grades. Complete the trifecta, darling.

Katelyn is the eating disorder and the cutter in the back of my mind. The girl who was slowly killing me IS killing Katt, that worries me a lot. I really needed to find myself quickly, before Katelyn became me. I still had the mirror in my hand, though I was almost too afraid to look into the foreign piece of glass.

The image it reflected was also a stranger because I didn't know who I was or who I was supposed to be anymore. As I looked at the picture, the glove, and the leotard; I realized those things didn't make me who I was or who I am now. I make me who I am and to find out who that is, I had to ask the mirror. A mirror sees everything about you; all your secrets, all your lies, but it also sees the truth if you look hard enough. I figured that the truth is what you get in life and it's up to you to build yourself up around it, not take the "easy" way out to bleed away who you are, or numb yourself to the truth with drugs. I've learned nothing from listening to the putdowns from other people. Every time I tried to compare myself to others, I lost and when I tried to search outside myself, I didn't exist anymore. Peter was right.

So, here's my opinion, that Shelby was only half way right when she said that from the moment you're born, people start taking pieces of you and you're lucky just to survive. People have taken a lot of pieces away from me, I don't think I ever had a chance. But that was where she stopped her opinion. We both had more of a chance and here's where my opinion comes in.

I didn't have a chance until I stopped looking at the gaps and missing pieces, and started looking at what I DID have. So I guess this is what builds a person: faith and truth.

"_Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel. Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?"_


End file.
